Red Flags and Red Hearts

Jackie Lynaugh
2 days ago
5 min read

Dating someone can be such a fun time in your life, as sweet as a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day or any day of the year. Ideally, getting to know someone is exciting, and if establishing intimacy feels natural and easy, all the better. Sometimes it can be awkward, but with the right person it's worth your time. But as the relationship develops, you may start to notice little things that feel "off"—these are red flags. Maybe your partner is exhibiting some concerning behaviors like being dishonest or making you question their character or expectations. Or maybe they're doing a lot of little things that don't add up. For example, they say, "I'm not trying to lead you on," but then want to spend time with you. And time is another topic worth talking about. You can spend a lifetime with the wrong person.

These uncomfortable behaviors—often called red flags—may start out small but can hint future problems down the road, so it's important not to ignore them. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they feel safe, respected, and loved. Let's examine the warning signs.

What are red flags in a relationship?

Red flags in a relationship are warning signs that something may feel OFF. Certain behaviors, actions, or attitudes might indicate a friendship is off or potentially headed in the wrong direction. They can be obvious or subtle. Pay attention to these signals, because recognizing unhealthy patterns before they become deeply ingrained can help you make choices that prevent pain down the road for you and your new friend. Ultimately, it depends on what you're looking for in a future relationship.

Why recognizing red flags early is important

Identifying red flags early can prevent problems from escalating and save you from emotional harm. It can also save you time. Time, time, time—it takes time to truly get to know someone's true colors.

Knowing what red flags to look out for can help you make better choices. You can decide whether to work on the issues, end the friendship, or determine if they're truly partner material. Recognizing these signs can help you set boundaries and build healthier relationships in general. You'll be able to recognize what's unacceptable so you can seek out partners who make you feel respected and valued. A beautiful connection is worth your time and is building a life together.

Importance of self-awareness

Pay attention to how your friends behavior makes you feel. If you're frequently unhappy or scared, it might be time to reassess. Talk to friends, family, or a counselor to help you see red flags more clearly. These 10 mindful questions can also help you check in with yourself and explore how you're feeling.

10 biggest red flags in a relationship and what to look out for

Recognizing red flags in a relationship is critical for your emotional and physical wellbeing. Here are 10 of the most common ones to look out for.

1. They exhibit controlling behavior

This occurs when one partner tries to control the other's actions, decisions, or interactions with others.

Dictating who you can spend time with: Telling you who you can or can't be friends with, or whether you can see your family
Monitoring your activities: Checking your phone, emails, or social media accounts without your permission
Making decisions for you: Insisting on making decisions about your life, like your career or how you spend your free time
Financially abusing you: Limiting your independence by restricting your access to money, such as not letting you work, taking your earnings, or giving you an allowance and monitoring your spending

2. Their communication style doesn't match yours

When communication isn't open and honest, or when your partner refuses to talk about certain topics, that is a BIG red flag.

Refusing to discuss important topics: Avoiding conversations about feelings, future plans, or problems in the relationship
Giving you the silent treatment: Withdrawing communication to punish or manipulate you
Ignoring your input: Not valuing or considering your opinions and feelings during discussions

3. You receive constant criticism from them

Notice if your partner frequently puts you down, makes you feel unworthy, or undermines your confidence.

Making negative comments about your appearance: Regularly criticizing your looks, clothing choices, or body
Belittling your achievements: Downplaying or dismissing your successes and accomplishments
Mocking your thoughts or feelings: Making fun of your opinions, emotions, or ideas

4. You've experienced abuse

Physical, emotional, or mental harm is a serious red flag that should never be ignored.

Harming you physically: Hitting, slapping, pushing, or any form of physical violence. Something I've never experience with the stories I've heard many women have
Making verbal insults: Yelling, name-calling, or making hurtful remarks
Manipulating you: Using guilt, fear, or intimidation to control you

5. They have anger management issues

An inability to control anger can lead to aggressive behavior, which may be harmful and frightening.

Having frequent outbursts: Exploding in anger over minor issues or conflicts
Engaging in destructive behavior: Throwing objects, breaking things, or engaging in other aggressive acts
Making threats: Intimidating you by saying they'll hurt you

6. You've experienced gaslighting

This occurs when an abuser makes you doubt your own reality or feelings.

Denying things that happened: Questioning your memory or insisting events or conversations never took place, which can make you feel unsure about your recollections and perceptions
Blaming you for their actions: Shifting responsibility for their bad behavior onto you and guilt-tripping you into believing you're to blame for something you aren't responsible for

7. They display secretive behavior or keep things from you

Hiding things from you or being overly private about certain aspects of their life can be a sign that something is wrong.

Not sharing their phone or computer: Being overly protective or secretive about their digital devices
Being vague about their whereabouts: Giving unclear answers about where they've been or what they've been doing
Keeping financial secrets: Hiding money issues, debts, or large purchases from you

8. They have a substance abuse issue

Substance abuse that severely impacts your relationship or your partner's ability to function normally can be damaging to both parties.

Being intoxicated regularly: Being drunk, high, or under the influence more often than being sober
Prioritizing substances over the relationship: Choosing to use substances rather than spending time with you
Financial problems: Spending excessive money on alcohol or drugs, leading to financial instability

9. They're dishonest

Dishonest behaviors can undermine the fundamental trust in a relationship.

Lying about important things: Hiding significant information or events from you
Breaking promises: Frequently not following through on commitments
Being evasive: Avoiding direct answers or being purposefully unclear

10. They exhibit extreme jealousy

While a little protectiveness may be normal, extreme jealousy can be toxic.

Making constant accusations: Frequently accusing you of cheating or flirting without reason
Monitoring your interactions: Wanting to know where you are and who you're with at all times
Isolating you: Trying to cut you off from friends, family, or activities to keep you to themselves